HIM

That one person, you can't but helplessly love to an extent that you are ready to suffer for him.
Well this line explains it all. By now you already know the direction this post is heading in. Why? Well I guess because you too have had that someone in your life who plays this exact same role.

If you are already familiar with this topic, why should I write about it? Well for the simple fact that we can never stop talking about it. Just like in the case of any movie , wherein it ain't complete without at least an ounce of love, our hearts , minds and soul always long for this one thing, only this one thing. LOVE.

But what happens when almost your whole source of love comes only from one person. Without him you die, and with him you fly. What happens? It is indeed magical and immeasurably beautiful when you trust someone completely .

If the light is so bright because of HIM, it frightens me to think about how dark it would be without HIM. Yes there cannot be a "without HIM" situation, yet what if you are made to think that there is a " without HIM" situation. What if circumstances proves to you that this exists. While he is helplessly hoping you would trust HIM, you are dying because of an illusion.

And when the illusion has been overcome , when he fights his way back to you , when he makes you believe again that he never left and when you finally see the true story, what joy would fill your heart. To be resurrected from the dead. To be saved from an illusion that destroyed everything.

Never to be apart ever again, for love has overcome the worst of nightmares. Love has won just as it promised it would. 

I'll just admit it.

I realized one thing, the most easiest way to make words flow out of your mind onto a piece of paper is to just write the truth without any filter, without any thought about tactic, procedure and all of the hi-fi stuff you learn while majoring in literature.

I usually write when I feel very deep emotions. Right now I'm feeling a mixture of anger and sadness all because of love and its deep. So to make this energy flow in a constructive way, hopefully....i decided to write about it.

Keeping this in mind (no filters) I'll start.

Well, i guess I just can't start. How could I possibly put this in words.These deep feelings feel like they are tearing me apart. But I'm told to trust that they are actually going to lead to something happy. "Pain is the only way" or so I'm told. Told by whom you ask? Well by experience.

Its so painful, I feel like crashing glasses. I've heard so many people get heart attacks and what not. Why is it that they are lucky? Look at me.......I wouldn't mind it. As it is I'm dying on the inside emotionally, mentally.. why not physically? Then at least people would know how painful it is.

Okay, don't get me wrong.....I'm not completely suicidal. I don't intend on dying and leaving this world permanently. No that clearly ain't my wish. I just want to know, if he would feel anything, something if he was told that I might no longer be there. Well I do have this strong faith that, he will feel it. He will know what I'm feeling, he will find it.

So I'm probably hoping that, he can save me only if he wants to. Without him, I don't have any reason to live. Call me stupid, I don't mind. After thinking in all logical ways, (and I'm a very logical person) I  settled for this. So trust me when I tell you, this is how it is. He is the reason I live . I have no life without him.

The unexpected turns

What is really at stake, when you love that one person so much? So much , that he is the one who showed you what is it like to be in the light when you never even knew that you were in complete darkness.

Without him, you never would have found out, what it really is like to live to the fullest. 

                

                    You are so excited, and you feel so blessed . You decide to give it your all. You can't help but love unconditionally,  trust completely, fall unintentionally in love with him. You believe so much in this love, that not for a quarter of a second can you ever not believe in this love. This love is the only thing that has defined who you are, that has given meaning and purpose to your life. You are so very deeply in love.

                   And then one day, you unexpectedly, unintentionally, hurt this love. And you cannot forgive yourself. You cry day and night. You plead for forgiveness , but nothing can be heard. Your life is now at a turn where regret has taken over. You spend the days criticizing and accusing yourself, wondering if you are ever worthy of forgiveness. All you can do is wait, not knowing for how long, cry till that little energy you have is exhausted.

                  And then one day, it feels like its gonna be the day of salvation. It feels like you have been forgiven and that everything will go back to the way it was. Circumstances and situations tell you that , this is it. No more suffering. Only love.

                He is standing right there , the love of your life. The love that taught you to fly when you could barley walk.And now , when you were drowning in regret, he has come back to save you , to fix you, and to take you on his wings and fly high.

               You believe that this is what is going to happen when you feel that he is trying to come to you indirectly, after all this while. So you gather up your courage and go to him. You are ready to take on any punishment. He welcomes you. You cry to him. He is surprised. He wonders and asks you, "what are you talking about"? You tell him everything, about how he has brought meaning to you life, and he laughs. You try to make him recall the instances , those moments that were so special to you and to him. But he doesn't remember anything. 

               

              He doesn't know what you are talking about."I've never felt that love",he says, and with those words, your whole world comes crashing down. You feel numb, you can't move. Everything you believed to be true suddenly proves to never have existed, the only thing you counted on, that defined you and gave meaning to your life , just told you that it never even existed. 

          

              Questions fill your mind, like water rushing out of a broken dam. And this burning fire , the kind that kills you , not lifts you up has taken the place , where once something, of immeasurable beauty existed.

You can feel it burning you to the core, killing every ounce of joy, hope, and love that ever existed.

 All you can do is watch yourself helplessly burn down in flames. 

              

Normal isn't a part of my Lexicon.

Okay I get it, I'm insane. But this is who I am and there is not gonna be any more compromising. I want to live my life in my own terms and rules,

I think a lot about everything and I love to think. Its the only thing that tells me that I'm still alive.

And when I think , I find new ways to do everything. So unless you can reason with me so as to why that new way won't work , I ain't listening to you.

Yes, you will say, I have a problem with everything and everyone, I would say, only this. I love the truth. So when you talk to me, you can't be compromising on the truth. We all are in search of the truth. When we discover something new, when we invent something new, its because we love the truth , and we want to move ahead. So if you don't have the same view points, you are just wasting my time, and I don't care who you are, you're a nobody to me.

Its either black or white for me, there isn't anything in between, no grey.Its a 1 or a 0. That's the way it is with the truth. 

I question everything around me, every bit, why, why not this. I love efficiency. To me efficiency is not wasting somethings capability to something so small when it can be doing so much more.  Everything needs job satisfaction, not only you. To work at its full capacity and capability.